New Year Ins and Outs
Bittersweet —that’s New years eve, romanticized with bright fireworks, kisses, loud horns, coins, twenty-something girls under the table choking on their twelve grapes, loneliness, and at the same time filled with hope. New Years Eve, is when you realize that time spent in a year no matter how rough is beautiful in retrospect. It’s when you’re excited but at the same time, you worry your folks are getting older, less salt in their meals, less sugar, more lines on their faces, and more worry about how many birthdays you can spend together. It’s when you feel excited to take on new adventures alone, yet at the back of your head, you question why you’re unlovable and why is it still not your year to excel at romance. How long can I not share it with my person?
I thought this year I was getting over everything, for a second —the amber in his perfume pokes my nose roughly than what I remember. How comforting the notes of magnolias were? For a second, I liked figs, roses, and black tea. For a second.
And with the pain that reality comes, comes an intervention—an intervention to put a hard stop to fantasizing about someone wanting you back, fantasizing about an apology, fantasizing about someone making it right. At the end of the day, it is my duty to myself to make things right. I respect her enough (or I’m learning to) to put a hard stop to actions that feel like self-harm.
Outs
benefit of doubt, see people how they are, treat them how they are.
being “friends” with people who it didn’t work out with (although I have one exception for this, so s/o to you <3)
dwelling, stalking, dwelling
counting calories, and feeling unaccomplished when I don’t work out
keeping things in, and losing “amour” over people because they didn’t act the way I wanted or expected them to
flaking when I don’t feel my best, cancelling, saying no
think pieces
Ins
learning who sits in my mini-van
slow, intentional, solo-travel
cooking from scratch for friends
more dates with my parents
being more comfortable with my sexuality
allowing myself to do nothing
more running, cross-stepping on a longboard, and skating
unstructured hang-outs and showing up
vulnerability!!!! unapologetically!!! loudly!!!
know when to cut off ties, and never look back
just writing my thoughts raw on substack
Unfortunately, 2025 —I’m still myself. No rebrand, no drastic changes, no big haircuts, no hair colors. I’m letting myself grow slowly, picking up hobbies I like, and dropping hobbies I find unsustainable. The only change is being more comfortable with my sexuality, and not being afraid anymore to own it. I still wear my heart on my sleeve, no casual interactions, no shallow friendships, just —still me, when my heart and gut are calm, that version of me. No big chase on “elevating” or building the “hottest” version of myself —this is the year, I live with every version of myself, I sit down with her, and I take every moment in.